Chapter 3 Defining Success
March 20, 2010 | Posted by Michael McFarland Defining success in life
What is success? This is a difficult question to answer because succeeding does not make one a success and failing does not make one a failure. We all want to be successful but how can we truly measure success? One of the most popular methods to measure success is through monetary gain. Another measure of success is the receiving of honors and awards (winning). Then there is power and position. All of these are physical measures of success but do they really tell the whole story?
True success is measured by the principles we choose to follow and our commitment to these principles. From our commitment to our principles come our attitudes and actions. These attitudes and actions bring about various physical results which all can see. We must first have good principles to guide us in our quest for success. Without good principles, all of our efforts are nothing but a waste of time and energy. Why should we exert ourselves for something that has little to no value? But even the best principles, without commitment to action are of no effect. Therefore our commitment to good principles must be all encompassing, permeating every aspect of what we do and think.
The amount of commitment we have to our principles is revealed by our reaction to problems that invariably come with life. True success only comes by persevering through difficult times. Without problems to overcome, there can be no success. It is being faced with difficult challenges that can bring out the best and the worst in people. It is like a grape, we don’t know what’s in it until it is squeezed. Anyone can do well then things are easy. If we lacked the ability to stick to our principles when things get tough then we lacked true commitment to what we believe. It takes courage and determination to stand in the face of adversity and to overcome life’s challenges. Principles, courage and determination all go hand in hand, thus are dependent on each other to be effective.
Having great commitment, courage and determination mixed with poor principles will result in a life without purpose. When choosing principles, we must realize not all principles are worthy of our time or sacrifice. The principles of love, honor, integrity and freedom are extremely valuable. The principles of money, pride, position or winning are not as important by contrast. Many have sacrificed their lives for the ideals in which they believed. Tragically some have wasted their lives pursuing foolish ideas that are without any true merit or value. How sad it would be to find that we wasted our lives pursuing false hopes and dreams. Therefore we must evaluate the principles by which we live to determine that their value is worthy of our life and effort.
“Let God be true and every man a liar”.[1]
Are our goals and purpose in life based in wisdom or foolishness? Do we just believe everything we hear or every convincing story? This can only be determined by examining everything in the light of truth. Anything we believe based on a false premise can never lead to success or true destiny. So many people spend time, money, and life pursuing false ideas because they simply didn’t check the facts behind their beliefs. Because they have so much invested in time and effort pursuing a false premises, they tend reject the truth even when confronted with facts. But what can be done for them? “See a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them”[2] Therefore we need to examine what we believe with an open mind, ever seeking the truth, not self justification.
Our principles usually come from people we admire. It can be our parents, family members, friends, heroes, villains, fictional characters. We do things just as they would do them because we want to be just like them. But we will never be “just like them” because each person is a unique individual with unique circumstances. What we can do is follow the principles of the people we admire. But these principles need to be based in fact, scrutinized with wisdom as well as seeing how they have stood through the test of time.
“Question Authority”[3]
“Question Authority” was the battle cry of the 60’s generation. At that time it was the slogan of rebellion against the establishment. Years later I saw an old Volkswagen with a bumper sticker on the back of it that said “Question Authority”. “What kind of hippy is driving that car” I thought. But as I thought about it, I soon realized “Questioning Authority” is not necessarily a statement of rebellion but a statement of knowing what is true. No authority is above questioning. True authority will always stand up under scrutiny and have nothing to fear from being examined closely. Any authorities that resist questioning usually have something to hide. There are a lot of “authorities” who are simply looking for fools to follow them and have some type of a self-interested goal. They work on principles of pride, power and gain, not love or generosity (unless it is for their benefit). Therefore examine every authority to see if they are true and right. Once we have found true authority, only then should we allow ourselves to follow the principles of that authority.
From the authority we choose to follow, we will either reap the reward of wisdom or suffer the pain of foolishness. Just because it something sounds good doesn’t make it the proper thing to do. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Good intentions can waste our time and effort and give us an illusion of meaningful life. We must look at the long-term consequences of our actions and what effects our actions will have on those around us to determine what is of true value. Do they build up or tear down those around us? Are they based in love and compassion or selfish ambition? Are they worth the cost of the effort we are putting into it? Everything we do has a cost and sacrifice. But is it worth it?
Sacrifice
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.”[4] True greatness in life is built on personal sacrifice. The sacrifice of ourselves for the benefit of others is one of the most important principles we can follow. There is no real success without sacrifice.
The family is one of the best examples of success and sacrifice. Most parents would lay down their lives for their children, literally or figuratively. Even if we don’t literally die, we totally reorganize our lives for the purpose of raising our children. We spend our time and money for the children’s needs, never expecting anything in return (except maybe grandchildren) We sacrifice our future, our hopes, our dreams for our children, even though most parents would not consider it any sacrifice at all.
What is the measure of a successful parent? Some think they would be a successful parent if their child turns out to be a doctor or great athlete or a scientist. Others think that they are a failure as a parent if their child turns out to be a criminal or an alcoholic or something to that effect. But is this a true measure of a success? Just because a child does well or has problems doesn’t mean we are a success or failure as a parent. We do the best we can and make sacrifices for our children because we love them and want the best for them. Yes, we are disappointed if they fail to follow good principles and take advantage of the opportunities we give them. But it is not necessarily a reflection on us as parents, one way or the other. There are many successful people who had terrible, neglectful parents. And there are many wonderful, loving parents with dreadful children. What would we say of the parents who had two children, one turns out great while the other turns out not so good? Think of President Carter’s parents, they had two sons, one Jimmy and the other Billy. What happened there? Can the parents take credit for one child and not the other? I don’t think so.
We are only responsible for our actions and our children are responsible for their own actions. If we taught our children properly and provided properly for them, then they do have a much better chance of being successful in life. But this is no guarantee of successful child. The true measure of a successful parent is the sacrifice they make for their children, not how their children turned out.
We are all like parents in all the endeavors we undertake. Our principles are our “children” and we give of ourselves to nurture and grow the things in which we believe. We cannot measure our success by fleshly rewards or the actions of others. We instead measure our success by the amount of personal sacrifice we are willing to give in order to achieve our goals.
Circumstances
Circumstances can also be a determining factor to our level of success. For an adult to walk is no big deal, not much effort is involved. But when a one-year-old child starts taking their first steps, it is real big deal! Parents get excited, get out the camera, and call all of the relatives and friends. The child is successful, the parents are successful and all is right with the world. The child has overcome the obstacle of walking through courage and effort. Thus the greatness of the success is measured relative to the circumstance of the achievement.
We all enjoy stories about people overcoming obstacles. It is not necessarily the greatness of the occurrence but the personal triumph that people enjoy. True success always involves commitment, courage and sacrifice. In this circumstance, the child must sacrifice the security of crawling while overcoming the fear of falling. The child must be committed to keep trying even though they fail time after time. Only then can the child experience the success of walking.
The object is to always put forth our best effort in what ever we do. It takes a conscience decision on our part to give our best effort. We first have to overcome our natural laziness. “Everyone wants to be rich but no one wants to work”. There is a cost to everything in life that is worthwhile but who is willing pay the price? True success always has a price; it begins with the sacrifice of will. The sacrifice of will is equally difficult for all people; rich or poor, smart and not so smart, high class or low class. Without sacrifice of will, we can never master ourselves or achieve our destiny. Sacrifice cannot be rationalized or theorized or visualized. It must be real. It is the giving up momentary desires and pleasures for the purpose of a higher goal. That is why so many do not find real success in life. They don’t want to sacrifice; they don’t want to give up their will. Their lack of sacrifice is revealed in the poor quality of life that they achieve.
Consistency
Consistency of performance (doing your best) is another major part of success. Most wealthy people did not get wealthy by hitting it big in the lottery or one big business deal or ripping people off. Most have gotten their wealth by being consistent and honest, making a little bit each day. Being consistence can seem mundane, but being consistent is the key to becoming successful and happy. Employers prefer mediocre employees who are consistent to great employees who are undependable. Consistency is the result of self-control, which is the sacrifice of will and personal desires for the higher purpose of success.
I have both taught Martial Arts and have been the Pastor of a church. I have found that those who are not consistent in attendance in either venue are never successful. I have seen people with so much natural talent that took their talent for granted and didn’t try. They didn’t need to work as hard as others; they were naturally good on their own. They became lazy in their effort and inconsistent in their commitment. Then they soon faded away and were unsuccessful. Yet there were others who had very little natural talent but never gave up. They valued each accomplishment because it did not come easy. These that tried so hard went on to become the successful leaders of the future. Tenacity beats talent everyday of the week. This is true in every aspect of life. If we find we are not successful, we first must look at our consistency in our commitments before blaming our circumstances or others for our failures.
Consistency is based in priority. What we deem important is what we do. We always show up for that which we consider important. If we say our family is important but spend all of our time at work, we are truly saying that work is more important than family. Where we spend our time tells what is important in our lives. If we don’t have time to study and learn but have time to watch TV, then learning is a lower priority than entertainment. Looking at our daily schedule tells us what our true priorities are. Once we know our true priorities, we will see how and what we have to change in order to become successful. These changes will require the sacrifice of will which can also be called also called self-control.
Self-control.
The greatest thing single thing we can ever accomplish is controlling ourselves. “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he who rules his spirit than he who captures a city.”[5] To control our inner person is greater than acts of heroism, power and pride. It takes a major amount of effort to control ourselves consistently. We have to battle our emotions and desires everyday. It requires work and perseverance. It requires submission of will and self sacrifice. But if we can control ourselves then we can master anything!
Having self control is not so much a matter of what we do but why we do it. Are we motivated by proper principles or our own self-interests? If we do things just to receive some personal gratification, then our personal desires are in control. If we do things because they because they are based in right principle, even if it causes us work, loss and pain, then we are truly exercising self-control. This is not to say we cannot have satisfaction in what we do. Satisfaction in a job well done is a byproduct of controlling ourselves and overcoming our own self will. If I want to enjoy being in good physical condition, I must overcome my body’s desire to be lazy. I must put make a commitment to exercise and eat properly. My body will object but I must overcome these personal desires to attain the higher goal of good health.
Emotions and desires are great followers but are terrible leaders. Our emotions and desires are some of the hardest things we will ever have to master. Emotions and desires are constantly battling against the principles of sacrifice and self-control. It is a war within ourselves we all must face everyday. We must win the battle and bring our emotions and desires under the control of proper principles and discipline. Don’t get me wrong, emotions and desires are important in bringing happiness to life. But they must be controlled. Without controlling our emotions and desires, we will never be truly free to master our destiny.
A baby is a good example of someone who is totally lead by emotions and desires. The child has no self-control and therefore needs restraint to protect them as well as protecting everything else from them. We put the child in a crib and the bars set a perimeter in which the baby can move safely. It could be said that we are denying this child its freedom. But since children will do foolish things, it is for their own best interest that such restraints placed on them thus curtailing their freedom. Often times the child will object to this treatment by crying and whining.
Now let’s grow the child by a 20 or 30 years and say he has become an adult without self-control. He commits a crime and he ends up back behind bars again, still crying and whining. Even though the man is mature on the outside, he is still being lead by foolish emotions and desires. As a result, the lack of self-control causes a lack of freedom. This is why we have authorities to control those who have no self-control.
By contrast, those who have self-control can live their entire lives without coming in contact with any law enforcement agency. Yet there are others that continually have trouble with police or authority figures in general. Those with self-control are free to live their lives as they wish. Conversely, those without self-control are constantly plagued with trouble of their own making. Those who lack self control will find they have problems with their job, their marriage, their friends, their family, the government, and their neighbors, anyone they come in contact with. They are constantly being constrained by others, not having satisfaction of self-determination. The amount of self-control we have ultimately determines our freedom we have in life. Always remember, if we fail to control ourselves, others will control us.
Friendship
Here is another point of wisdom to help us to become successful. Proper choice of friends will help us develop proper character. There is an old saying “birds of a feather flock together”. The proper meaning of this saying is we become like the people we “flock” with. Want to be successful, hang around successful people, want a good marriage, hang around happily married people, want to be divorced, hang around divorced people, want to be an alcoholic, hang around people who drink, want to be a loser, hang around losers. If we want to be a person of honor and integrity, don’t hang around with liars and thieves. Want to be wise, don’t hang around with fools. Parents are always concerned about the friends that their children have. It is a valid concern. We may talk about “stranger danger” with our children but a poor choice of friends is the biggest danger our children will ever face.
We will become like our friends! “He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm”[6] Carefully choose those with whom you spend your time. You will become like the people with whom you associate. (This is for adults as well as children) If we find that we have chosen foolish friends, we need leave them behind and look for better friends. This may sound a bit cold hearted to just abandon those we love. But we must be willing to sacrifice even our friends if they are ruining our life. There must be a wiliness to make a clean break with the past in order to grow strong future. If we truly love our friends, then we would want their lives to improve also. But we cannot help them by being as foolish as they are. After time when we become strong in wisdom and maturity, we might be able to come back and help them though not necessarily. Having proper friends is a major part of directing us toward being successful as well as making those around us successful.
Reproof
Reproof and criticism is essential for everyone. It is a necessary part of life but not especially nice or enjoyable. No one has all the answers nor does anyone do everything right all the time. We all need guidance and we all need to learn. One of the ways we learn is by reproof and criticism. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.”[7] The point is we cannot improve ourselves if we do not recognize our problems. Because we cannot always see our own problems, others will have to see them for us. We are unable to see our own face but others can see our face easily. We need a mirror or a good friend to tell us if we have something wrong with our appearance. If we had food stuck in our teeth or something else gross, we would appreciate it if someone would tell us even though it is embarrassing. We also are blind to our back. We don’t always know what is going on behind us. (Sometimes we feel like we have a sign back there that says, “Kick me”) We need a true friend to help us see our blind spots.
But how do we respond to those who are trying to help us? “Do not reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you, reprove a wise man and he will love you”[8] Do we respond like a scoffer or like a wise man? We need people to be open and honest with us. If we love those who tell us the truth, we are then truly wise. If we blow up when others try to help us, then we have closed the door of friendship and become a fool. When a person reaches a point when they can no longer be corrected or reproved, this person has become spiritually dead. They are inflexible and stiff. “Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be broken”[9] We need to respond like the wise man and love those who offer advice or correction, even if it is badly stated or just plain wrong. The fact that they are speaking to us about a problem shows that they really care.
We should bear in mind that not all reproof is valid. Some are mistaken in their judgment. Others simply have foolish opinions. There are also those whose whole approach is to inflict pain and suffering. So how should we respond? First off, don’t shoot the messenger! Next is to evaluate what the person said. A good rule of thumb is that 90% of all criticism is baseless and should be disregarded, but 10% is valid. If the criticism is valid, then we need to respond, usually by changing in some way. This evaluation of criticism is also known as “eating chicken and spitting out the bone”. Take what is valuable and disregard the rest.
There are several points to take into consideration when evaluating reproof and advice. We should be very leery of taking advice from those who is doing worse than we are. When I was first married, a coworker said to me, “If you need any advice on marriage, just ask me, I’m an expert, I’ve been married three times”. No thank you! If he did not have a happy marriage after three tries, he doesn’t have a clue about a good marriage. Our lives will become like the lives of those whose advice we follow. Should I take marriage advice from some who has been divorced 3 times or someone who is happily married after 30 or 40 years? A track record of consistent success is the best way to know who to believe and trust.
Here are some more things to consider when someone gives us advice. What are the long-term effects as compared to the immediate results? How much effort is involved in relation to value of the results? Is it based on sound principles and personal opinion? Does it build us up or tear us down? We need to ask the tough questions; gather all the information we can. Knowledge is power when mixed with action. We need to carefully evaluate all advice given to us; the outcome of our future will depend on it.
What do we do if their criticism or advice is totally off base? “To err is human, to forgive divine.”[10] Even as we want others to overlook our mistakes, so we should overlook the mistakes of others. Too many good relationships have been ruined because someone took offense at a criticism. The proud have the hardest time with criticism, especially those in positions of authority. This is one place where humility is always in fashion. It is difficult enough for others to speak to us about our faults, allow them to speak without fear of retribution. Again, don’t shoot the messenger!
What about when the person is simply trying to be hurtful and mean? Simply ignore them! This type of a person gets satisfaction from inflicting pain. If we let such insults ruin our attitude, then we have given fallen into their trap and given them power over us. But if we let offence go, (which is self-control in action) then we are again in control of the situation. When we fail to respond to their cruelty, they will give up and look for another victim to pick on. In other words, don’t let their problem become our problem! Stay free from anger and resentment. If we give in to anger and resentment, then we have lost control and will never become successful.
What do we do when it is time for us to reprove or advise others? “For it is time for judgment to begin with the household of God.”[11] We should first learn to listen to reproof before trying to set others straight. When we try to tell others how to live or do something, we need to be living examples of what we say. Our lives need to reflect the words we are speaking. If not, we are hypocrites. It would be like telling your children not to smoke while you are smoking. Or tell your children to be honest as we cheat on our taxes. We cannot tell people to forgive if we don’t forgive. We cannot ask people for mercy if we do not have mercy on others. We cannot expect others to treat us nice if we keep acting like a jerk. We must be living examples of what we say. “I rather see a sermon than hear one any day. I rather one go with me than merely point the way.” Actions always speak louder than words. Our words also must be chosen carefully so as not to offend. Our actions and words must match and always speak with love for those we are reproving or advising.
“Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.”[12] Do we live lives such that we could say to someone, “be like me”? Could we say, “I hope you have a marriage as good as mine” or “work as hard as I do”? This is not meant to be a prideful statement but it should be a goal for which we should strive. We should live our lives with the idea that others are watching us, to see how we react to life’s situations. It is no good to talk the talk if you can’t walk the walk.
“People listen 10% to what you say, 30% to what you do, and 60% to what you are.” Yes, the “doing” is important when speaking to people, but “what you are” is an undeniable statement. Think of the way you would describe a person to someone else. You might say, “He’s really a nice guy” or “She is real sweet” or some other attribute. We don’t always remember what they said or even what they have done; but we remember what they are, honest, trustworthy, fair, the qualities of their character.
It is therefore necessary for us to become what we wish others to become. These changes are not just to be outward changes but changes of the heart, changes of attitude. Everything we become always starts in our heart. We may be able to put on a front and go thought the motions of doing the right things, but the truth always comes out. If our heart is right, we will naturally do what is right. Conversely, if we find it hard doing the right thing, then our heart is the problem and needs correction.
Mastering ourselves is teaching our heart and holding rule over it. Many are ruled by their emotions much as the baby we talked about before. Emotions are an important part of life and have a proper place. But they should never be our leading force. Do not make major decisions when in an emotional state such as angry, depressed, disappointed, or in love. Let these things pass and get a clear head. It is amazing how many lives are destroyed because people made emotional decisions. Learning to control our emotions can be a long and arduous task, but there is no time like the present to start.
Measuring Success
Money! We can all relate to money. Money actually has far greater value in the spiritual sense than in the material sense. Our use of money will reveal our heart faster and more truthfully than almost any other method. What is your top priority from your financial point of view? “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”[13] How we use our money is a good indication of a successful heart thus a successful life.
What is the first thing we do when we get paid? Responsible people usually pay their obligations and set aside some savings. But there are a lot of irresponsible people in the world. I used to work with people who would get paid and be broke within 24 hours. Right after they got paid, they would drink and gamble their money away and would be borrowing money the next day. I could never understand how, after working so hard, they could waste all their money for just a few hours of “fun”. The fact that they could not manage their money was only a symptom of a deeper problem. They could not manage themselves. They had no self-control. Their foolish use of money is a good indicator of where they were headed. They paid the price by having a hopeless life filled with alcohol and divorce, living a pointless existence. We can all recognize this type of foolish use of money and time.
Being overly focused on money can also be just as pointless. Several years ago I was test-driving a car I had just repaired when I saw a young woman pushing a baby in a stroller down the side of the road. It was a beautiful spring day and temperature was just perfect. The young lady apparently had been pushing the stroller quite a while because the closest buildings were nearly a mile away. I figured at the rate she was walking (not very fast) it would take her at least an hour to get where she was going. “What a waist of time” I thought. I started to calculate how much money I could have made in that hour and how much time she was wasting. Then I had to stop and think. Had I become so consumed with time and money that I no longer had time to enjoy life? This young lady was giving this child she was pushing something that money couldn’t buy. She was taking her child out for an “adventure”. They were sharing love and enjoying the day together. Was this not far more important and valuable than mere money? I now felt foolish for thinking badly about her. She had spent her time wisely. She had memories of love that would last a lifetime and I all I had was a few dollars that was gone in a week. There needs to be a balance to our lives, being diligent but also smelling the flowers along the way. Failing to find a balance of work and play means failing to have a successful life.
Giving.
How concerned are we about our money? If we spend too much time focusing and worrying about our money, we may find our money has become our master. We find ourselves living to serve our money. If we live to serve our money, then we are truly a failure! I remember hearing stories of people freezing to death while sleeping on mattresses full of money because they were afraid to spend it. But money is never an end in it’s self but is simply a tool. The only way to stay free from the grip of money is by giving. Giving truly sets us free, for when we give, we are being truly successful.
The question now is what is the proper way to give? “Surplus wealth is a sacred trust which its possessor is bound to administer in his life time for the good of the community. Those who would administer wisely must indeed be wise, for one of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity”[14]. Wisdom is necessary in order to give effectively. We must consider the repercussions of what we do. To give foolishly is worse than not giving at all. When we find someone in need, we must consider what someone wants and what they really need can be two different things.
The alcoholic wants us to buy them some wine because they think they really need it. What they need is to sober up. They need to have a change of lifestyle and start accepting responsibility for their life. There is always someone who thinks this sounds cruel and hard hearted to hold them responsible for their life but it is true. A person cannot amount to much without accepting responsibility. No one’s destiny is to be a homeless alcoholic. There has to be a change in the person’s outlook on life if they are going to be saved from this destructive behavior. Helping to change their heart is the true act of generosity. Throwing money at the problem is the worst thing to do. Don’t expect some government agency to take the responsibility for this man. Compassion cannot be legislated! We must become personally involvement with the one we wish to help. If we offer proper help and they refuse, that is their decision. Our obligation is to offer our services when needed.
It is our responsibility to check out those to whom ask us for help. I have a missionary friend, who was running an orphanage in a 3rd world country. He came back to the states for a visit and a stranger came up to him on the street and asked, “How’s the orphanage?” The missionary thanked him for his concern and then in puzzlement asked if they knew each other. The man said no. The missionary asked “how did you know about my orphanage if you don’t know me?” The man said, “We saw a presentation at church about of you and your orphanage. Your representative showed us movies and talked about your great work. We all gave generously to support what you were doing” The missionary answered, “I didn’t have anyone going to churches to collect support for my orphanage. Something is wrong here.” The missionary checked into this unusual story and found out that someone (whom he never found out) had obtained some movies of him and his orphanage. This unknown person was using these movies to raise money in a number of churches on the west coast. These churches had given thousands of dollars to some crook that was taking advantage of their generosity for a good cause. Always check out the legitimacy of those to whom you give. Be careful of those who use catch words such as “for the children”, or “save the environment” or “animal” causes. They may not be what they seem. Giving wisely is part of being a good giver.
Giving needs to be a lot more than just monetary. I have a personal goal that everyone I meet is better off because I meet them and that they were glad they met me. This is a lofty goal and not easy to do. This doesn’t require any monetary sacrifice 99% of the time. Instead it requires me to give of myself by being friendly, honorable, kind and seeking the best for them more than myself. Even though I have found this task almost impossible to do, it doesn’t mean not to try. It could be considered part an attitude of thankfulness and part an attitude of honor. Regardless how we divide it, the giving of ourselves is a basic purpose of life. Everyone’s destiny is based on giving to others out of love and respect for them, not out of compulsion. If we will not give of ourselves for others, we will never find fulfillment in life or purpose on this earth. I don’t care how much money we make or how much power we have, if we cannot give of ourselves for others, we are a failure!
Even when we do what is right, people can get upset with us. We may even loose someone’s favorable opinion in order to achieve a better goal. I would make my children do their homework before they could go out and play. They would get real upset when they couldn’t go out with their friends after school. They considered me mean and cruel. They told me I was “forcing my ways down their throats!” “This is true! Now do your homework.” was my reply. My purpose was to develop their education; their purpose was to have fun. Having fun is great but only after their work is done. But there are those who cannot understand the concept of setting priorities. There must be a balance of both work and play to have a successful life.
There are always disagreements over the proper method of helping someone. There is an old saying “give me a fish and I will eat today, teach me to fish and I will eat tomorrow.”[15] And let me add, “Give me fish too many times and I’ll forget how to work altogether”. We must remember the goal is to help the person become self sufficient and productive, not just feed them. But there are those who will complain that it is unfair that this poor person should have to fish when others have plenty of fish to give him. Others will be upset about the plight of the fish or the impact on the environment. We just have to realize that we can’t make everyone happy. It may seem easier to just give a fish and avoid the problems of getting involved. But real giving involves courage and commitment to find a permanently solution for each situation. We cannot live in fear of what others think or let their opinion deter us from doing what we know is right.
It is everyone’s purpose to succeed and prosper (not necessarily monetarily). Thus when we help people, we should expect them to succeed and prosper in some way. In other words, we must require a response from those we help. If we continue to allow them to remain in the same state of need, what good is our help? They are only surviving. We were created to be more than just survivors. It is foolish to waist our time and effort helping someone who doesn’t want to improve. Instead we need to motivate them toward a proper response. This can obligate us to spend a lot time and effort on our part in order to help someone. When they do respond and start to prosper, they should not feel obligated to pay us back. Instead tell them that they are now obligated to help someone else in need. Never let kindness end with us or with them. Kindness and generosity should always be ongoing and outward spreading.
Getting involved in people’s lives is the best form of giving. Many will not accept charity but they will accept friendship and love. A person who is living through hard times may only need some love and understanding. Sometimes they many need some wisdom or reproof. Some of the most generous things ever given to me were simple words of wisdom (which I did not necessarily want to hear at the time). And it wasn’t just what was said but the attitude with which it was said. We must be always careful to always honor those whom we are helping. It is easy to get a superior type of attitude and look down on those we help. Saying things like “You stupid idiot, how did you get yourself into this mess?” is not a good way to help someone. Our help must never be demeaning or degrading to the recipient of our generosity. This is dishonoring and counter productive.
Do we give because we truly want to help or because we want others to know how generous we are? Once there was a handicapped man in our church who had a big old Cadillac that was constantly breaking down. His car was in such bad shape it wasn’t worth repairing. I decided to help him out. I bought a nice looking Dodge that needed some work. I tuned it up, put in a new battery, rebuilt the transmission, fixed the A/C, put good tires and breaks on it, waxed it and added seat covers. It was a really nice, dependable and economical car when I got done with it. It got triple the gas mileage of his old Cadillac and the a/c blew cold. I gave it to him and hauled his old car to the junkyard. I was real proud of how generous I had been.
To my amazement, he saw me in church a week later and loudly accused me for ripping him off! He said, “You took my Cadillac and you gave me a cheap little car. I thought you were my friend and you ripped me off”. (He was thinking that a Cadillac was worth a lot more than a Dodge, no matter the condition) I was hoping for a “thank you”. Instead I got accused and berated in front of my friends at church. Then I had to think, was I fixing this car for him just to hear him say thank you (the praise of others) or because it was the right thing to do? If it was the right thing to do, why should I care what he thinks? My disappointment was because I was looking for praise of men instead of being truly generous.
“When you give alms, don not let your left hand know what you right hand is doing”[16] Secrecy in giving is important. It is natural for a person to want others to see what they are giving but it can also be embarrassing to the receiver. It diminishes the gift if the person we wanted to help has their feelings hurt by having their need made public. No one wants their personal short comings to be announced for everyone to hear. We must protect everyone’s dignity.
Quantity of our giving is not as important as the sacrifice of our giving. “And He (Jesus) looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw a certain poor widow putting in two small copper coins. And He said, “Truly I say to you, this poor widow put in more than them all; for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on.”[17] There are several things to notice in this story. First that Jesus didn’t run up and say to the widow, “you don’t need to give that money, you’re poor and probably need to keep those coins, the treasury has plenty”. But He let her give the coins because there is a part of a person’s spirit that needs to give.
We need to be needed, no matter how small the amount. To deny her the ability to give would have robbed her one of the greatest blessings of life. The second thing to notice was the amount given is not important. It is the proportion of sacrifice that matters. There are times we may think the amount we have is too insignificant to give, remember the purpose here is sacrificial giving, not quantity of money.
We can also give by letting others give to us. Let’s say our small child decides to make us breakfast. We would graciously eat our burnt toast and jellybeans. To refuse the child’s attempt to give would be traumatic to their little egos. People can be very sensitive about their giving. When someone offers their services we should consider it and not just dismiss it out of hand. It is often pride that says, “No thanks, I can do it myself.” We do not want to insult someone who is yearning to give. We must allow others to give to us, even if it is “2 small coins”. Allowing them to give to us can be us “giving” to them by allowing them to be part of our life. Being patient with them can be more important than we will ever know. Their giving may be a large step of faith for them, which is leading to character development. It would not be good to stand in the way of their efforts and deny them success of giving.
Urgent and Important
There are two parts of life that constantly compete for our attention, the important and the urgent. The important things are the things that make life worthwhile. They are things like love, caring, enjoying, talking, relationships, marriage, children, saving, hoping. All of the things we know we need to do to have a full life. The urgent are those things that seem to come along in life and interrupt the important things. Things like auto repairs, sickness, time schedules, bills, social obligations, peer pressure, business obligations. These urgent things may not be as important in the big scheme of things but cannot wait to be done. Because the urgent has to be done immediately, the important things seem to get pushed back and eventually forgotten until it is too late. For example, it is important to save money but there are urgent bills. The bills must be paid but that leaves no money to save.
In this case we must look for a way to either lower our bills or raise our income. Are there things we can eliminate from our life that waste our money? (Drinking, smoking, taking trips, recreation, eating out, unnecessary shopping, hobbies) Are there ways to raise our income? (Work harder; get a second job, sell something) We cannot continue letting the important parts of our life lose out to urgent needs.
In the final analysis, our lives are the sum of what is important, not the sum of the urgent. Simply satisfying the urgent cannot bring fulfillment. The most important thing in life is love. Only love can bring true fulfillment. We need to do what ever it takes to see that we have time to share our love, especially with those closest to us. (We tend to take those closest to us for granted) Without love, there is no success, no reason to even have a destiny to fulfill.
Love
Love is one of the most misused words in the English language. It is used to describe simple desires to erotic passion, to emotion, to charity. In ancient Greek there are 3 main words for love: eros, philio and agape. Eros is the love of emotion or lust. We derive the word “erotic” for this word. It is the romantic love we feel when we fall “in love”. Then there is philio, or brotherly love. It is the friendship type of love. Then there is agape which sometimes translated “charity” is. It means unconditional love or giving love.
A person with Eros love is basically looking at you and saying “what can you do for me”. It is about taking what they can from you for their own desires. A person with philio love is looking at you and saying “scratch my back and I will scratch yours”. They just want an even exchange on the relationship. A person with Agape love is looking at you and saying “what can I do for you, no strings attached”. It is a giving type of relationship.
I compare Agape love between a parent and child. Instead of this love being based on emotion or good works, it is based on integrity, honor and commitment from the heart. This is the best type of love to have for a good marriage. Your marriage can still have philio and Eros love along with agape love but agape love is the truest and longest lasting love. When our love is based on honor and integrity, our emotions come into subjection. This makes for very stable and happy relationships.
Agape love is not just for marriage or children but it can happen anywhere, anytime, with anyone. It has universal application and always works. Even if we are with people we despise, it is a good to learn how to love and forgive them. We can even change people we dislike using the spiritual power of love (see chapter 6). A person who has mastered himself and is able to love no matter what, has true spiritual power.
The word “love” used in the rest of this chapter is “agape love”. Think of it a giving; caring type of love, being more concerned with the needs of others instead of our own desires.
“If I speak with the tongue of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.”[18] This means no matter how eloquently I can speak and write; if I do not have an attitude of love as my motivation, it is vain and useless. I may be perfectly charming but it is false if there is no love behind it.
“And if I have the gift of prophesy and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.”[19] Even if I could tell the future and understood all of the questions of life, even if I had telekinetic powers, it means nothing without love. Power without love is nothing more than wasted effort without purpose.
“And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.”[20] Good works just for good works sake are false works. This is why indiscriminate charity does not work. We see starving children on TV and send in a check and think we have done a good work because we care. This is only “Eros” love; we do it just to make ourselves feel good. If we really cared, we would get on a plane, go where they are and start helping with their plight. True love gets involved for the purpose helping others, not to relieve emotional obligations. Agape love is an action type of love. Love is the motivation that produces real achievement in life. That is the true measure of success!
Summation
Success is measured in sacrifice and overcoming life’s obstacles. We must always do our best regardless of the outcome. The sacrifice of our will for higher purposes is a good measure of success. Another measure of success are the spiritual qualities of our life. Things like integrity, honor, consistency, self-control. These are the things that will endure and benefit all who are around us.
Mastering ourselves is the greatest achievement we can accomplish. When we master ourselves, we are a blessing to all of those around us, if we don’t master ourselves; we are a drain on all of those around us. Emotions can be a great hindrance to self-control. Emotions are to be mastered and brought into submission to the principles of integrity, honor and love
To grow in life, we need to be able to respond properly to reproof and criticism. We cannot “fix” problems in our lives if we don’t know they are wrong. Allow others to speak into our lives, blessing those who take the time to care about our welfare.
Giving to others is what brings balance to our lives. We cannot be successful unless we can give without expecting some type of a reward. Kindness is to be passed on, not repaid.
Do not allow the urgent to overtake the important. We need to arrange our life such that we have time for the important without neglecting the urgent.
Love needs to be our motivator. No matter what we do, if we are not doing it out of a pure heart, our lives will be hollow and empty. Without love, we are nothing. When we have mastered ourselves so we can truly love, then we are truly successful.
[1] Romans 3:4
[2] Proverbs 26:12
[3] Bumper sticker on an old VW from the 60’s
[4] Shakespeare, Twelfth-night, II, v, 159
[5] Proverbs 16:32
[6] Proverbs 13:20
[7] Proverbs 12:15
[8] Proverbs 9:8
[9] James Knox, 1978
[10] Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism, l. 325
[11] I Peter 4:17
[12] Charles Caleb Colton, Lacon, vol. I, no. 217
[13] Matthew 6:21
[14] Andrew Carnegie
[15] Unknown
[16] Matthew 6:3
[17] Luke 21:1-4
[18] I Corinthians 13:1
[19] Ibid. 13:2
[20] Ibid. 13:3
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